HOW TO AVOID LOSERS IN YOUR LIFE! While Laughing about it!
You ever stop and wonder; How do I re-program my dude magnet to stop drawing all the crazies, the deadbeats and the ‘I just wanna have sex’ men? I ask myself this all the time! What the hell did I do wrong? I am convinced there was some type of joke going on when passing out the magnets, like they had a picture next to one magnet of a clean cut, sexy looking guy (of course I chose that one) and then one of a nondescript looking guy flashing a corny smile. What we failed to do though, was read the warning label in fine print, found below the picture. I don’t think I would have seen that small print even with bifocal glasses on.
“Warning, these magnets were recalled due to incorrect programming and erroneous packaging information. Due to short notice, they were not pulled out of the stores in time and are still being sold Nationwide, take Heed! You may not get what you expect to get”
Seriously though, I feel as if there is an invisible indentation on my forehead (and yes my forehead is big) that communicates with these losers. I can’t figure this shit out! How can I turn it off? I’ll just go without a magnet altogether. If I could even change the writing on my forehead I could at least deter them. SMH! Well that’s my story and I’m sticking to it! How else can I explain why all the losers make a bee-line directly for me?
So I think I need to come up with some type of defense mechanism to steer them away from me but I have to be coy and classy about it. I certainly don’t want to come off sounding like some psycho bitch here.... Or do I?
Defense MECHANISMS for Avoiding Losers
1) The Common Loser; You are out and about, looking good and feeling like all is well in your world when BAM! Your Danger Alert goes off! A loser is approaching! What do you do? It’s not like you can suddenly disappear so here is what you can do: Immediately look to the ground and start tapping your foot, (it doesn’t matter which one) wait until you see his shoes coming at you and with a wild look in your eyes raise your head real fast and look above him while saying, “Damn, did I take my medication today?" Now start pacing back and forth in the same spot while keeping the crazed look on your face and just keep repeating over and over again “Shit gone be fucked up! Shit gone be real fucked up!" until he eventually walks away, then consider yourself spared this time.
2) OK wait! That totally sounded like a psycho bitch and we certainly don’t want that to come across. Maybe do this instead: With a sexy swagger (No I didn’t say TWERK) and a beautiful smile say, “Oh Fiddlesticks! I forgot I have patients to see today and I really don't feel like analyzing a bunch of nut cases and delving into their psycho minds.” If he has any sense at all he will just smile and keep it going. No one likes the idea of anyone being trained to psycho-analyze them and figure out their distorted mind and then know who they really are, so again consider yourself spared. Now you know there are some who just don’t have any ‘common’ sense and will keep approaching so If that happens, abandon ship and go for what you know. DO what works for you. Fiddlesticks? LOL! What was I thinking with that word? :) Oh well, it does add to the character of the Psycho Therapist.
3) The Chameleon Loser: This one can change his stripes into whatever man you think you want him to be so you may not detect right away that he is really a loser. If you happen to be bamboozled by this man and you end up on a date with him: First, most of them don’t usually plan ahead on how they can keep you interested in them so they end up bombing out on the first date anyway. Especially once you start asking them specific questions that put them on the spot. Then they start to get all defensive and throw that punk ass line at you; “You women are always saying you want a good man but you can’t even recognize when a good man is in front of you.” That’s when I say, “Oh Yes I can buddy and as soon as I see a good man I will point him out to you because obviously you haven't figured out yet what a good man is." LOL! Ok it’s too many crazy mofo’s out here to say that but hopefully you get my gist.
4) The Career-Minded Loser: Beware! This one has studied and planned for this shit and he considers himself to be damn good at it. He figures he can carry himself through a relationship with you long enough for his shucking and jiving tactics to kick in and you have fallen madly (and psychotically) in love with him. All I can say here is to follow through on everything and don’t accept anything at face value. Actions speak louder than words people! You are going to have to dig in there and try to find out as soon as possible if you are dealing with a long term loser here so Good luck with that!
5) The Drunken Loser: This one has a lot of bravado. I don’t know what makes him think he is being smooth but he is totally mistaken. In reality, he is spraying your face with his toxic, fungus smelling breath and repeating the same stupid shit over and over again because his drunk ass can't remember any of the damn words coming out of that foul mouth of his. You are swaying nauseously and about to pass out but make sure he sees the look of disgust on your face or his dumb ass will think you are swooning and being taken in by his drunken spiel. The fact that he had the Audacity to approach you in the first place should let you know that he is not dealing with a full deck. Run away, Run Fast!
6) Last but not least. Have Plastic Surgery done: Just have them remove that ridiculous indentation from your huge forehead with the embedded words, “I Love Losers”. It makes life soooooo much simpler.
CAUTION: Surgeon General's Warning: We guarantee that you will not attract any more losers once the stated atrocity has been removed. However and Fair warning: It is also possible that you won’t attract anyone at all. At least for a while anyway.
So there you have it in a nut shell, my theory on dealing with losers in your life. If you are caught up with a loser and don’t know how to extricate yourself from them, (to get away) then you just need to man up and make the best of your situation. Or grow a pair. It really just depends on how long and how deep in it you already are.
For any readers out there who may find my article to be offensive or a form of men bashing or anything else negative, please understand that this article was written for humor purposes Only. We all know some folks out there who fit one or more of these categories. There are loser type men and women out there and it is what it is. Since I am a woman I chose to gear it towards men but it goes either way and the pictures mean nothing except they looked funny and fit right in with what I was talking about. No hidden meaning or color choice.
If I can’t see my experiences for the lessons they are and find some humor in a situation to laugh at, then what else should I do? I am all about turning a negative into a positive and I will not willing accept defeat in life.
I know who I am, where I’ve come from and where I am still trying to go in this life. My goal is to be content and to make the most of my life while enjoying it to the fullest. I love to laugh and I know there is so much more in life to smile and laugh about then the dreariness we are faced with. No matter how delusional this may sound to someone else, it sure beats feeding in to the constant negativity going on in today’s society.
Do you recognize yourself in the article? Are you guilty of being one of the categories? If you see yourself here then acknowledge it and see it for what it is. If you think it’s a bad trait then do something to fix it. If you don’t see anything wrong with how you do then don’t stress it, it's all good. I just don’t intend to be mixed up in it. Everybody has to DO them! So this is how I Do Me. If you want something positive then don't DO the negative! Be OK with who you are and yet Always Strive to be a better person then you were before!
Leave your comments on the Blog and thanks for reading.
Shit gone be fucked up. Shit gone be real fucked up!
I LOVE LOSERS